Need/Want

I am learning the difference between need and want. I’ve thrived so long on the things I thought I needed and I let others come close out of their need. Perhaps in some ways I was wanted but the relationship, any relationship I’ve had, has remained out of a need.

What can I do for you? What can you do for me? It is not primarily healthy, but it is, in part, how I’m wired. To be the servant, the helper, the one who needs to be needed. I struggle now because I am faced with an alternate reality. One in which I am wanted (and I want). I am bumbling about now, like an idiot. I don’t know how to let it be, as is, without feeling lost.

There is a difference between need and want. Needing someone negates or goes beyond personhood. The substance of the soul doesn’t matter with need. I/you/they are only here to fill a void that cannot be filled alone. The relationship is driven by DOING.

But want is something so entirely different, it feels strange it could be in the same family as need. Want revolves around the kind of person you are bringing into relationship. Personality, common interest, thoughtfulness all matter. “I am here because I desire to be” – and that’s it. You are not forcing me here, you cannot force me away (in a general sense), because my presence is based on your presence – the mutuality of want. We pursue each other for the sake of what we receive at the end – each other.

And want is so rooted in personhood, and the joy of it, that the other person cannot sink into himself, or mold into something alternative, without it affecting the relationship. Sometimes this is negative or sometimes positive, but either way, it is the case. Who you are matters and the person you bring to the table makes a difference. A relationship born of want finds its root in BEING. And being who you are is irreplaceable.

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